Rewired: Power up Your Performance, Relationships, and Purpose by Joel Landi

Author:Joel Landi [Landi, Joel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Best Seller Publishing
Published: 2015-07-01T18:30:00+00:00

Complete Disconnect:

How to Rewire a Significant Relationship

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking

new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”

– Marcel Proust

This chapter is all about how to rewire a badly damaged relationship, especially a significant one. It’s about finding the “new eyes” that Marcel Proust suggests needed to look beyond the carnage of a painful relationship and toward this discovery: Not only can the relationship be rebuilt, but it can be rebuilt in a way far better than the failed first version.

The principles I present here can be applied to any professional or personal relationship. However, this chapter is specifically designed to repair, restore, and revive a badly damaged relationship that’s significant to us.

After working with several hundred couples in this specific area, I found the most difficult piece to rewire is trust. I’ve watched couples forgive one another of egregious offenses, but reestablishing trust is the biggest challenge.

Whether or not you have faith in God or any particular religion, the biblical account of Adam and Eve and their downfall offers insights that are remarkable and timeless. It is interesting to note that they left an ideal situation. They were originally in a fairytale-like state, and they had what everyone is looking for. There was no pretense, no shame or guilt, just love. But then they crossed a line, and once they crossed over that line, they began to suffer.

What line did they cross? Eve lied; Adam blame shifted, and neither took responsibility.31 That’s perhaps the easiest card to play in most messed up relationships: “We are in this mess because of you.” As soon as we go down that road, we look for relief and open the door to something outside of the relationship – a substitute instead of a solution.

What’s the substitute? It is anything that distracts us from confronting the real issues. It could be work, recreation, alcohol, shopping, pornography, or illicit sexual experiences. Or it could be that sweet person that you are now slowly falling into a trance over. This person captivates you because she or he is doing what your spouse or someone competent should be doing; they are listening intently without judgment to all your aches and pains. Pick your poison. Any of them will destroy a damaged relationship that’s still salvageable.

New Eyes

We restore trust by taking full responsibility and being honest. When we stop blaming and attacking, and we can start looking to make a bad situation good, it’s amazing how the person in the cross hairs changes. Our hearts soften, and we find a new sense of self that’s more heroic and admirable than the weak-willed whiner that always pulls out the victim card. We need to be honest about what we have and have not done to build a better relationship.

I love metaphors in life and how they become a foreshadowing of something with a hidden meaning we need to learn. Then we can look in the rear-view mirror and realize it wasn’t a coincidence, but it was intended to get our attention and take action.

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